Empathy: Listening to Understand > Listening to Respond
Karen Thatcher
“You don’t owe a single person an explanation for your condition or for your health, and how you manage it. Ever. ”
There are 2 types of listening: listening to respond and listening to understand. (And of course there’s just not listening at all.)
I was recently in a conversation where the other person disagreed with a personal decision I had made (which could lead us to discuss “unsolicited advice” but we’ll save that one for another day). I was forced to explain and justify my limiting chronic health condition and the choice(s) I have to make to manage it. Which, for the record, in case someone needs to hear this — you should NEVER be forced to do. You don’t owe a single person an explanation for your condition or for your health and how you manage it. Ever. And in hindsight, that will be what I will say next time I’m pushed into that position — I wasn’t empowered to say that then, I am now. We live and learn.
Throughout the entire conversation, I was acutely, painfully and exhaustingly aware that this person was not listening to understand me. They had an agenda and an opinion that had no room to be altered. They were listening to respond… but barely even listening enough to respond directly to my words, only to repeat and repeat their own narrative, unchanged, unaffected by anything I had to say.
I left that conversation feeling battered and bruised, shamed and quite frankly furious that I had been backed into a corner. I had fought valiantly, but I should never have HAD to have fought in the first place. The frustration of misunderstanding (which was his active choice) laid heavily on me, and became an earworm circling my brain ever since. And what’s more, it was the last straw that physically took me out of the running, put me in bed for 2 months and I haven’t yet fully recovered from. The physical and emotional elements of a human play a huge part together, especially when you have a chronic illness. Where a well person may be able to dust it off and move on, when you have a chronic illness, the body reflects the pains of the heart. (Just one of the reasons why we should always be careful of our words. They have more of an impact that we can ever know!)
*Sidebar, I’m absolutely not blaming this one conversation on the crash that followed, but it sure pushed me over an edge, and wasn’t a helpful addition to my body’s struggle.
“my opinion is not always right (which is ok), and also not always needed (especially if it’s not asked for).”
I am a person of opinions, I have a lot of them, I love a debate I love a discussion. BUT I have come to learn over a long time of self-reflection and self growth, that my opinion is not always right (which is ok), and also not always needed (especially if it’s not asked for). It’s absolutely alright to keep my opinion to myself unless directly asked for it. And that goes tenfold when my opinion is about someone else’s life choice and not a generalised discussion.
Quite simply — I do not have the right to an opinion (or more realistically a right to express an opinion) on someone else’s life choices, unless it directly impacts me or they ask me for my insight. It’s one thing having a general opinion about a vague and broad subject, and another thing entirely when it’s connected to a real-life human, with real-life feelings, which I should not be impacting negatively if I can help it.
So what’s the difference between listening to respond and listening to understand?
Listening to respond
Listening to respond happens when you have an agenda. You have a narrative that you’ve pre-decided (consciously or unconsciously) and you’re sticking to your guns regardless. So the words that the other person are saying are irrelevant to your response. They may alter the course of your response, redirecting your journey to get to your agenda by taking the scenic route. But you will always end up in the exact same place, and with the exact same outcome — you’ve said your piece at the expense of the other person’s heart.
Listening to understand
Listening to understand is a more beautiful and unpredictable journey. Listening to understand happens when you come to a conversation with the intent to truly hear, understand and learn. Your response is one of curiosity and kindness, it’s when you have the humility to say “I really don’t understand this, and I’d like to. Please can you trust me with this part of your story so that I can become better and do better?”. It is a position of judgment-free thoughtfulness.
Does listening to understand mean you can’t have an opinion? Absolutely not. Opinions are a natural part of the thinking human. But what it does mean is… learning that your opinion doesn’t always have to take centre stage. And… *prepare yourself for this one*… your opinion doesn’t always have to tumble out of your mouth and into the world. 😱 Sometimes shutting up, is for the best. (I’m saying all of this to myself as much as to anyone else.)
“Listening to understand is a more beautiful and unpredictable journey. Listening to understand happens when you come to a conversation with the intent to truly hear, understand and learn.”
One of the most frustrating things about this particular conversation was the amount of times I had to say “you are not listening to me”, and received the response of “I am listening to you, but…” A response to the phrase “you are not listening to me”, has no business including the word ‘but’ followed by a justification that your opinion is King. If someone feels and expresses that they are not being listened to, the only correct response is “I’m sorry, let’s try again, please can you tell me what you feel like I haven’t heard”. And then choosing to pause, check yourself, and readjust your listening stance from a place of listening to respond ➡️ to listening to understand.
We are all guilty of it, myself included. I am so sure that countless times I’ve been in the wrong camp, and sat in the wrong frame of mind in listening. I’m sorry for the times that I have made anyone feel like my opinion was King. But if we are to be a people steeped in empathy, we have to choose to learn and we have to choose to do better.
So what are some ways that we can choose to listen to understand rather than listen to respond?
1) Check yourself before you wreck yourself
Ice Cube spat some deep lyrics in his time. That good old classic ‘Check yo’self before you wreck yo’self’. It’s cliche but it just works.
Pausing to check your stance in a conversation is KEY. If you feel yourself forming opinions and responding without cause, take a beat to adjust your stance. Empathy is a skill, it takes practice and it takes self-awareness. You’re not always going to get it right, but what’s most important is that you’re trying. Even being transparent by saying “I’m really sorry, I’m aware I may not have been listening to you with compassion. Can we try again?” will mean so much. Whether you can process that in the moment, or you go away, reflect and come back to them — either is powerful.
2) Are you just venting or do you want advice?
I’m a fixer, I like to solve problems and find solutions. It’s who I am. But I’ve had to learn that to be a person who is listening to understand, rather than respond, means not always fixing. And so I’ve trained myself to try to ask the question “Just to check before you carry on, are you just looking to vent to me right now, or do you want advice?” That way, the expectations are clear, and no one steps over the boundaries and into the unsolicited advice circle. We all have friendships where we KNOW which it is, without even having to ask. Or we have given each other carte blanche to advise at any time unless otherwise stated. But for everyone else, it’s better to ask. Sometimes, all that’s needed is you to listen and say nothing and that is enough.
3) Your opinion is not King
Unless you are debating generalised topics, bashing out your opinions on the state of the world, or Trump’s latest faux pas… don’t assume that your opinion is warranted or right. Especially if the topic is someone else’s personal choice/life/feelings. I’ll repeat what I said in the beginning: our opinion is not always right (which is ok), and also not always needed (especially if it’s not asked for). PARTICULARLY when it comes to someone else's life choice(s), physical or mental health, health management and personal decisions. Full stop. If you’re asked for an opinion, go nuts (with kindness), otherwise remember, your opinion is not King.
Will we always get it right? Nope. But knowing the difference between listening to respond and listening to understand, might just change the way someone leaves a conversation. Leaving feeling heard and understood vs leaving feeling battered, bruised, shamed, misunderstood and a bit furious.
I don’t know about you, but I NEVER want someone to leave a conversation with me, hoping they never see me again, and avoiding me at all costs.
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This is me, Karen, the Thatch behind the Creative. I have an Empathy Card business designed to give people the words to say when there are no words. When I’m not doing that, I’m a Freelance Creative & Comms Consultant passionate about helping and equipping people to communicate the voice of their organisation in a creative and sustainable way. Get in touch, I’d love to hear from you!